Fearing Judgement

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This is how I look when I fear judgement. That sad, stressed out face so worried about what others are thinking that I don’t even think about myself. I feared being judged as far back as I can remember. In school I feared what the popular girls thought of me. All the way up to most recently I feared what Navy wives would think of me. The people might have changed but the feelings stayed the same.

Of course I have always given the world enough room to judge. They really did too. I was a teen mom, on welfare, in a relationship with an addict, married quickly, had multiple babies daddies, became a network marketer… the list goes on and on. If someone was looking for something to judge me on they had a lot of ammunition. Many took advantage of that. They used my past as a way to tear me apart and make me feel less than.

You hear the stereotype that Navy wives are crazy. Some of them really have some deep issues but so do a lot of other women.  It’s definitely not  just Navy wives or military wives at that. Women can be so cruel. They can judge and scrutinize other women. A lot of that is about them not the person they are judging. We all know it and feel it but how can we not let it control us?

I never knew who I was when I was in a constant Fear of Judgement. I could never be myself or let my light shine. I would drink heavily just to make myself comfortable in group settings only to open myself up for more judgement because of my intoxicated state. I felt suffocated in my own life because I was so worried how people were judging me I couldn’t breathe.  I wasn’t good enough because people were judging me.

I drew every judgmental person to me. It’s like they could sense I was putting on a show. My fear drove me and muted who I really was. I stressed myself out so much by analyzing every situation, conversation, and social media post. I was so afraid of what people thought that I completely lost myself.  People knew and they called me out.

Enter Beachbody coaching. This is where my fear of being judged really took a turn. I made myself get uncomfortable and knew I would never succeed if I continuously held myself back because I feared judgement.  I messaged people inviting them to my accountability groups or to join my team. I got a lot of no’s but a lot of yes’s too. I posted about my fitness journey and my life, getting really raw and honest. It was scary. I made my first video then another and another. The first time I did I thought I was going to cry. Why? Fear of being judged.

What did I realize? People will judge you but like I said it often has nothing to do with you or what you said or did but that person. They are triggered by insecurity, jealousy or fear. Fear of something different or outside themselves. They might be feeling  uncomfortable and have no idea how to deal with that. Stepping outside your comfort zone is a scary place to be.

Is Judgement bad? No. Sometimes judgement is a way for our mind to protect us. You know that gut check? But there is a huge difference between that gut check and judging someone for the clothes they wear. When you start feeling judged ask.. is this me or them? Are they really judging me or am I just feeling insecure? Same goes for when you judge others… Is this me or them? Is something about them making me feel uncomfortable or is my inner critic piping up? Tell your inner critic to pipe down.

I am not completely over the fear of judgement. Sometimes I still feel triggered. When I feel that trigger I ask if I am being my authentic self. If I am being 100% truly me then who gives a f&*k if someone judges me. I don’t want to change. I will draw those people to me who really love and accept me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok. The same goes for you. Go out there and be you. Let go of the fear and take the leap.

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